Hexes and Ohs Read online

  It was just the two of us if you didn’t count our familiars, both of whom dozed by the cold blue flames of the fireplace that cooled down the room in the mid-June heat.

  My familiar, Grim, was a giant black dog. Or, to be more precise, a grim. Yes, I named him myself, and no, I don’t pride myself on creativity.

  Tanner, like virtually every other witch in Salem, had a feline familiar, a little munchkin cat named Monster. She was cute as a button but had a bit of sass to her—I’d only learned that last bit secondhand, since I couldn’t communicate with her telepathically as Tanner and Grim could.

  “Nora, are you paying attention?”

  I blinked a few times to clear my head and focus on Tanner’s words rather than his gorgeous skin, and thick, rosy lips …

  Snap out of it, Nora!

  “Yeah, of course I’m listening.”

  “Good, because this isn’t a recipe you want to play too wild and loose with. Add too much of one ingredient or another, and you’ll end up with something that shrivels people’s tongues instead of enhancing flavor.”

  “That sounds unpleasant.”

  He stared at me wide-eyed. “It is.”

  There was a story there, but I decided not to pursue it. “And you swear you don’t use this in your cherry pie?”

  When he wasn’t busy being my dream guy, Tanner co-owned Medium Rare, an all-night diner in the Outskirts of Salem.

  He co-owned it with me.

  This was a recent development. Almost as recent as Tanner and I coming clean about our feelings for one another. Or at least showing the tip of the iceberg. Not two minutes after we’d finalized the agreement that made me part owner of the diner did we kiss for the first time.

  Oh yes, I understand that’s ill-advised.

  But it seemed like the thing to do in the moment. And it hadn’t yet come to bite me in the hide, so I decided to, for once, be a little unprofessional, let my walls down, and take a chance.

  “For the last time,” said Tanner, “I don’t magically tamper with any of the food at Medium Rare. That’s unethical without letting the customer’s know about it. This potion is more for personal use. When you don’t feel like getting fancy with the cooking, you just add a few drops of this, and suddenly everything tastes a lot better. Also great for ingesting healthy food that leaves something to be desired in the taste department.”

  “Okay, I believe you. It’s just … your pie is so good. I don’t understand.”

  He arched a brow and flashed me that confident half-grin of his. “Maybe some night this week you can come over to my place and I can show you my secret.”

  “I’m right here,” came Grim’s voice in my head. I doubted I would ever get used to the telepathy I shared with my familiar. “I already told you that if you two start with the gooey stuff in front of me, I’m going to mark everything you love while you sleep.”

  I wouldn’t put it past him, and the thought terrified me. His reserve tank had reserve tanks. He’d unloaded on the reception desk of the sheriff’s office once (long story), and I thought the stream might never end. It was like floodgates opening.

  “Oh please, we were just talking about pie,” I replied, trying to pacify him.

  “Sometimes a pie isn’t just a pie.”

  “And sometimes it is.”

  Grim was right, though. Tanner wasn’t talking about pie. At least, not entirely.

  I smiled platonically, trying to cool the mood. “Sounds like a plan. Now, what else do we need for the potion?”

  As he opened a few more vials and sprinkled in dried ingredients from the small wooden boxes he’d brought with him, I watched and made mental notes.

  “And that’s it for now,” he said, wiping the last bits of dried firethistle from his palm and into the cauldron. “Just give it a stir for five minutes, add in some wormwood, stir another two minutes, then serve. It’s best with fresh wormwood, but all I had was dried. It’ll do.”

  “Ruby has it in her front garden. I can pick you some.”

  “Awesome,” Tanner said, “I can grab some while you reheat that stew for us to test it on.”

  “You know, a wise witch once said not to mess with a good thing.”

  I moved the large cauldron full of Ruby True’s beef stew onto the wood-burning stove then spared a glance over my shoulder for Grim. “Don’t worry, you’ll get to try some with the enhancer potion.”

  “Monster wants some, too.”

  “She’ll have to talk to Tanner about that. I don’t know anything about what cats can and can’t eat.”

  “She says she can eat anything. It’s keeping it down that’s a struggle. But she’ll fight through it.”

  “What a hero. But like I said, it’s up to Tanner.”

  Tanner returned a minute later as I stirred the stew, my back to the parlor.

  “No, Monster,” he said. “I doubt beef stew would do well with your sensitive stomach. I don’t think either of us wants you hawking up rune-shaped hairballs again.”

  “Is that still an issue? I just heard her coughing up something a second ago,” I said. “You might want to check.”

  “Aww, Monster,” he said gently. Then he looked around. “I don’t see anything. That’s good. Before I treated her the other day, the runes were starting to get pretty vulgar. And threatening.” He shuddered.

  “Here we are,” I said, bringing over two bowls of stew to the table. I set them down and Tanner poured a small amount of the enhancer into each.

  “Oh sure, make the one with a sense of smell a hundred times stronger than yours wait to eat last,” said Grim. “It’s fine. No one in this town seems to give two licks about animal cruelty, so you should be fine.”

  I rolled my eyes but grabbed my bowl and set it on the ground for Grim before going back to the stove to get another for myself. I wasn’t generally a pushover, but Grim was nothing if not persistent when it came to begging for food. I didn’t want him ruining my meal with his complaints and self-pity.

  As I ladled the stew into another one of Ruby’s cherrywood bowls, a voice invaded my head.

  Only, it wasn’t Grim’s.

  “Hmm … this is weird. The stew is good, but nowhere near what I expected.”

  “Tanner?” I said, turning so quickly broth slopped out of my bowl. I stared at him as he ate his soup … without a spoon.

  He hunched low over the table, his face wholly in the bowl as he slurped the stew.

  No, sir. Something wasn’t right.

  I’d gotten to know Tanner better in the past week, but not so much that he would feel comfortable eating stew without a spoon. At least, I hoped he didn’t feel that comfortable, just like I hoped this wasn’t some weird quirk of his.

  Although, it would be just my luck to think I’d found the perfect guy, realize he felt the same, and then discover he had some psychopathic trait like eating without utensils. Even in the magical town of Salem, some things were too good to be true.

  Tanner continued to devour his meal, but Grim perked up his head, his ears back as he licked his floppy lips. “Yeah?”

  “Wait. Tanner?”

  “Yeah, what do you need?”

  “Holy shifter.”

  This couldn’t be happening. “Grim,” I said sharply.

  Tanner stopped his slurping, sat up, and glared at me. Though the face was Tanner’s, the expression of ‘What is it now?’ was unmistakably Grim’s.

  The reality set in for them, and they jerked their heads around, taking in their new position in the surroundings.

  “Sweet baby jackalope,” Grim groaned through Tanner’s mouth.

  Tanner brought one of Grim’s massive paws to his fluffy, black face. “This can’t be happening.”

  “Yet it is.”

  “If I’m here, who’s in my body?” shouted Grim, jumping up from the table. “Oh no, please don’t tell me Mr. Nice Guy is wearing me.” He smacked a hand to his face. “He’s going to get me killed trying to help some little old witch c
ross the street.”

  “Am not!” Tanner protested.

  “He can’t hear you, Tanner. You’re speaking to me telepathically. And since you’re wearing my familiar’s body, he—or, I guess, you—can’t hear you.” I put my face in my hands. “I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.

  “Excuse me, am I supposed to feel sorry for you?” said Grim.

  I was not a fan of Tanner talking to me that way, even if it wasn’t Tanner but simply Grim speaking through Tanner’s body. “We need to figure out what the heck is happening,” I said, “and reverse this, pronto.”

  “Agreed.”

  “Yep, agreed.”

  “And if we can do it before Ruby comes home from the market,” I began, “even better.” The old spirit witch would never let me live it down.

  As if on cue, the door popped open and Ruby True shuffled in, her old red-and-gray canine familiar, Clifford, a few steps behind. “Any stew left for me?” she said, passing Tanner’s body on her way to the kitchen.

  Clifford knew something was up immediately, and his hackles rose as he paused inside the door, his round eyes darting back and forth between Tanner and Grim.

  “Uh, yeah,” I said, trying to act normal. “There should be a little bit left.”

  “We have to tell her,” Tanner said. “She might be able to help.”

  “No way. I’ll never hear the end of it. She hates enhancer spells to begin with. Thinks they’re cheating.”

  “We botched the potion,” Grim blurted, “and now I’m stuck in Tanner’s annoyingly pretty body and can’t get out! For the love of steak, Ruby! Help me!”

  Ruby stopped in her tracks, turning slowly to face me, rather than Tanner.

  Shoot.

  “Nora, dear. It seems a strange voice is calling to me from your boyfriend’s body. Care to enlighten me?”

  “Tanner isn’t my boyfriend,” I said, which was not the most pressing issue, but still. We had only kissed a few times, and the what-are-we? talk hadn’t yet happened.

  Ruby pressed her lips together into a thin line, waiting for me to continue.

  “Tanner was teaching me how to create a taste enhancer potion, and I don’t know what happened, but when he and Grim tried it in some of the stew, they, um, switched bodies?”

  Without blinking, she said, “Ah,” then turned to Tanner’s body where he scratched distractedly behind his ear, scrunching half of his face in concentration.

  “It’s nice to finally meet you, Grim,” said Ruby.

  Tanner stopped his scratching immediately. “Um, back atcha. Thanks for the scraps?”

  “You’re welcome. Thanks for occupying a large portion of the space by my fireplace the majority of the time and chewing up my favorite slippers.”

  Tanner held up his hands defensively. “I wasn’t bred for self-control. Not my fault those slippers smelled delicious. That’s on you, woman. Where I come from, your feet would be considered a fine delicacy.”

  She turned to me. “So, this is the kind of thing you’ve had to listen to nonstop?”

  I nodded.

  “You poor girl. I’ve already had enough of it, myself. Good luck sorting it out. I’m going to bed. Come on, Cliff.”

  “It’s only five thirty,” I said.

  “Perhaps, but I like to think of it as half-past not-my-problem.” She motioned to Grim and Tanner. “Also, Nora, you should know that my recipes are tamper-proof. I make them just the way they’re meant to be, no enhancers needed.”

  “Is that why the potion did this?” I asked.

  She shrugged. “Unlikely. Perhaps. But as I said, this is not my mess to clean up. Night. See you in the morning, once everything it back to normal.” She stressed the last bit, and I got the message. There would be additional consequences if we didn’t get Tanner and Grim in their correct bodies before she rose for her tea the next morning.

  “I don’t know what to do, though,” I called after her before she made it to the staircase leading up to her bedroom. “Tanner and Grim don’t, either.”

  “Then get someone who might. And no, that’s not me. Try over at Pixie Potions Apothecary. They’re your best bet.” She addressed Tanner’s body next. “If I don’t speak with you again, Grim, which I sincerely hope I do not, it’s been a pleasure speaking with you … and knowing it is only temporary.”

  Monster refused to make the trip with us. She was nervous and jumpy on a good day, being as small as she was in a town full of things that might eat her, and given the strange circumstances, I couldn’t blame her for wanting to stay curled up in Ruby’s armchair in the parlor until things were back to normal.

  “It’s so hot,” Tanner moaned, padding along behind me up the cobblestone streets of Salem toward the apothecary. “How is Grim such a good boy when he has to walk around town in June in a fur coat?”

  “First of all, Grim is not a good boy. Sure, he might go along with my plans sometimes, but he complains the entire way.”

  “Walking upright is a real game-changer,” Grim said cheerily to my left. His arms and legs, or rather, Tanner’s arms and legs, flapped exaggeratedly with each step.

  “You look like an idiot,” I said. “Could you tone it down a bit? People might see you and think Tanner started using drugs.”

  “Are there drugs this good? Because if there are, count me in. You never told me sweating was so luxurious. I can just lift my arms”—he raised Tanner’s elbows like chicken wings—“and let the air waft over the moisture. It’s like heaven. I don’t even have to pant.”

  “Don’t get too comfortable, boy,” Tanner warned. But Grim couldn’t hear him.

  Grim brought Tanner’s body to a sudden halt. “Wait, do I even want my old body back?”

  “Uh, not even a question here, Grim,” I said. I leaned close and had to avert my eyes from Tanner’s beautiful face as I whispered, “I’m not making out with a dog in a human’s body or a human in a dog’s body, but somebody is going to be making out with me before tomorrow. Your move, good boy.”

  I glanced at Grim’s body to make sure Tanner hadn’t overheard. He was busy trying to bite an itch on his rump, so I figured I was in the clear.

  “Okay, yes,” Grim said. “Let’s get to the apothecary. I don’t trust Tanner with that precious cargo.” He leaned over toward his canine form, which was still curled into a U as Tanner gnawed at his hip. “You’re doing it wrong, Tanner. You have to use your opposite front paw for leverage, really bend the spine.” He sighed exasperatedly. “You’re not even close. Worst rump-biting form ever.”

  I’d been to Pixie Potions Apothecary a handful of times, and what stuck out most to me about it was that it was run by Kayleigh Lytefoot, a pixie about half my size who looked like a prettier version of … me.

  I also suspected that Tanner had a side crush on her, and she might even have one back, despite being a few hundred years his senior. She didn’t look a day over thirty, though.

  But I didn’t have to worry about the two of them flirting today, so that was a small victory.

  Very small, if I wasn’t able to get Grim and Tanner switched into their correct bodies.

  A bell tinkled above the door of the apothecary as we entered the dim space, and I wondered, not for the first time, if that meant an angel just got its wings.

  But then I remembered that the only angel in Salem already had her wings and spread them regularly in her duties as sheriff.

  “Nora! Tanner! Grim! What brings you in today?” Kayleigh fluttered lower from where she was stocking the top of a heavy wooden shelf and approached, hovering on eye level with me.

  “Um …” I looked at Tanner and then at Grim, unsure where to start. “We have a little problem.”

  “She wants to make out with me and that’s not happening,” Grim said, pointing an accusing finger my way.

  Kayleigh’s mouth popped open.

  I shot him a scorching look. “Not helpful.” Then, with my cheeks hot from embarrassment, I forced a smile and elabor
ated for Kayleigh. “That’s not Tanner.”

  She cocked her head slightly. “It looks like Tanner. Sure, it doesn’t sound like Tanner, but, yep, it definitely looks like Tanner.”

  “Yes, well, it was Tanner, and then something happened and now it’s Grim.” I moved to the side so she could have a clear view of Grim’s furry body. “That’s Tanner.”

  He stepped forward, his tail drooping. “Please help us! I might I have fleas and I’m melting. Like, actually melting. On the inside. My organs.”

  “Grim’s organs,” I corrected. “And she can’t hear you, remember?”

  Kayleigh looked from dog to man and back again, her eyes narrow, before addressing me, the only one of our troop in the correct body and therefore the safest bet for answers. “Was it a curse? A spell backfire?”

  “Potion mishap, I think.”

  “Ah. Okay. That makes sense. Or, well, it doesn’t make sense why it happened, but it makes sense why you came here.”

  “Can you help us?” I asked.

  “No,” she said simply. “Probably not. I’m more the business side of this operation.”

  My stomach sank, and I turned my attention to Tanner’s face. This was my life now. Hmm … maybe as long as Grim didn’t speak, I could pretend it was Tanner and it wouldn’t be so icky. What were the moral and ethical implications of making out with a dog wearing a human? It was definitely weird, but I could push past weird for a body like Tanner’s. But was it legal?

  I was saved from wandering farther down this horribly dark path when Kayleigh added, “But Stella can help.”

  Grim put Tanner’s hands to his mouth. “Where is she? STELLA!”

  “Grim, knock it off,” I said. “And who is Stella?”

  “My partner.”

  “She helps you run the place?”

  “Yes, she’s also the partial owner of Pixie Potions Apothecary.” Kayleigh smiled patiently at me while I tried to make sense of that. What did she mean she was her partner and partial owner? Wasn’t that the same thing?”